Exquisite Pain

Those two words have been on my mind lately… Not because I’m a sadomasochistic person or anything, but life is just so bluesy lately. Like I’m getting better at looking through the human façade and into what their true cynical motives are. And, I’m not excluding myself from any of this; I’m the worst of them all in that context.

Anyway, I think there’s something wrong with my brain. Even though I think I like being happy, it seems that I can’t be too happy. Let me explain. Whenever life is going just right and I can by all means have a feeling of happiness, I get hit by this burst of “depressed feeling.” I’m not really sure what to call it, I just suddenly feel so down and lonely and rejected and gloomy, when I’m surrounded by friends and family that I love. Maybe it’s just a dementor swinging by and eating my joy… heh. But because of this, I think I subconsciously try to put myself in situations where I can’t end up being too happy. I pick friends that I probably won’t ever connect deeply with and group members that I don’t really enjoy being in. Sometimes, I can override this instinct and go with people I know will succeed, but then, that feeling comes creeping back. I don’t want to blame my (in my perspective) failures in high school on just a few wary chemicals in my head, but if I never pick the right and prosperous paths for myself, where will I end up? In a trash can? That’s exaggerating, but I am so fed up with staying second-rate when I KNOW I can do better! Why am I so scared of taking chances? I know that I’ll most likely end up getting my way if I just ASK, but just gathering my guts and doing it is such a frightful proposition for me. I don’t know, excuse it on laziness, on procrastination, or lack of passion, I am pretty dang disappointed in how my high school career has fared.

Wow real ranting does help. I think I’ve kept this part of myself hidden and unspoken of for so long. I don’t even know when I’m being real or fake anymore (unless it’s obvious, obviously). I think I just have to purge myself of all these poisoned thoughts sometimes. They were seriously draining my enthusiasm, slowly but surely. Now it’s time to put on a brave face and go out and shine now that all this shit is behind me (or at least not procrastinate!).


I was so tired the day this was taken. the bags under my eyes were disgusting. doesn't my head look like a perfect circle in this? What a bad angle. Freaking civics, math test, and senior panel callback kept my up all night when it wasn't even necessary. bitches.